Sunday, 2 December 2018

I Finally Realize Love Is Not For Me

Greetings to you all


Please help me. I feel like giving up. My life has no meaning and I have no reason to exist. I am
 
crying even as I write this email. I am 37years old,a single mother to a 12 year old boy. I am an artist. Many of you may know me but please keep my
ID private.

All my life,all I have been able to do in my relationships is to be with the wrong kind of men. I started singing from church as a teenager. I was in school choir. I got pregnant in my 200 level.

That nearly killed me but I thank God for my mother who stood by me and helped me raise my child.

During my youth service,I was raped by someone I trusted. A pastor in my church. I was close to him and his family so his wife did not suspect anything. They were like my mentors. It started innocently and I had no reason to suspect his care for me.


Also Read: This Lady Is Getting Married But In Love With Another


After he raped me,I left because I was ashamed.I blamed myself for trusting him. I also loved the wife and did not want to break her heart. For someone who got pregnant at a young age,I blamed myself for being a fool.

Ever since then,all the relationships I have ever been have been both abusive or one thing or the other. The guys just wanted to use me. I found out they were either married or had a girlfriend. I began to have trust issues.

I knew I also had low self esteem so I was easily drawn to men who are broken cos I am broken. I blamed God for all the problems in my  life. Even as a christian,after praying for so long and when I thought I was healing,my heart gets broken again.
I stayed away from men for two years until I met Joe. It took a while before I agreed to date Joe. I wanted to be sure he checked out as the ideal man for me. And yes,everything checked out. He was a christian. He was kind. He treated me well. He agreed no sx until I could not hold it,I broke that code. A year later,we were having sx. He was talking marriage too.

All was good with Joe. I loved him. He supported my career alot. I was on tour in America when someone sent me a whatsapp message saying Joe was seen with a woman. They looked like a couple. I was like,no way. Not my Joe. I asked him when I got back and he laughed. According to him,he was meeting with a business partner. They had a project they were working on. To prove his innocence,he called the woman and introduced her to me. I was glad he was not cheating…or so I thought.

About a month later,Joe starts to act funny. We started to fight over little things. It got worse and I knew something was wrong. I did not have to wait long to find out. Joe left me two weeks ago. He broke up with me because he said I was a selfish bitch. He said I was always thinking of myself alone. I did not understand where this was coming from.

When he said he wanted us to break up,I started to beg him. I did not want to loose him. How foolish I was. He said:”sorry but he wants a woman who will appreciate him more and take care of him like Jada does.And Jada is pregnant for me and I cannot be with your selfishness anymore.
 
Jada is the supposed Business project partner!….Apparently,this was going on right under my nose!…But what I could not believe is how Joe whom I worshiped could have done this to me. I thought he was my last bus stop. My son looked up to him like a father. Why do I keep loosing? Why do I keep falling for the wrong men. I am not getting any younger. I do not know if I will ever find love and happiness and this is why I am so sad.

Since Joe left,all I see on his social media is him and that woman. And I feel so much rage and dark emotions. I need this pain to go away. I am really tired of hoping for love…maybe love is never for me. People see me doing well in my career but deep down is a broken woman. My heart aches.
Maybe the universe has decided that love is not for me…

Amy (Not real name)

Ghana

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