She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
But recently, a friend of mine told me something, and it’s been messing with my head. About a year ago, I went on a couple of dates with a woman I know through mutual friends. We had a great time together, good chemistry, and on our fourth date, we had sex.
Everything seemed cool and then she ghosted me. She replied a couple of times with very short answers to my texts and then just stopped responding altogether. I just chocked it up to her just wanting a one-time thing.
Cut to a couple of weeks ago, and a friend of mine who knows her tells me that she said I “basically date raped” her. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’ve never been aggressive with women at all, let alone doing anything resembling rape.
I remember a couple of months ago you answered a question from a woman about a date rape. And then the Aziz Ansari thing. So, now I have my mind running in circles trying to go over what happened that night.
Did I push her into having sex, not physically but verbally? Did I not pick up on her body language? I don’t feel like I raped her, but was I coercive?
I can’t really point to anything concrete, but I feel sort of sick to my stomach when I think about it because I think maybe I was more into than she was. I didn’t really ask her if what we were doing felt good.
The other thing that is bothering me is that earlier in the night, when we were just making out, she made a sort of joke that she wasn’t going to sleep with me that night. But, she didn’t say no to anything we were doing.
I’m just questioning myself over and over.
Do you think I’m a rapist?
Do you think I should reach out to her and apologize if I misread the entire night?
I swear I am not some asshole who doesn’t care about women or is a misogynist. I feel really shitty about this whole thing.
What should I do?