She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
I sexually assaulted my ex, and I don’t know how to make things
I have apologized and told her I would give her all the space she needs. The problem is we also have a daughter together, which just makes everything worse.
I do feel terrible about what happened, and I do take full responsibility.
I think my problem here is we have a long history, and there was a lot of things going on between us which led to this.
We were together for five years, and we largely broke up because she insisted on sleeping with other men.That’s not the whole story, but a significant part of it.
We remained living together, and sexually active, after breaking up, but she started having sex with other people right away. She would come home and brag about these sexual encounters and in detail, despite me pleading for her not to.
Earlier in the night, before this incident happened, I was walking around an area where she told me she had sex in public with someone.Later that night, I came over because I was too tired to drive home after dropping off a friend who lived down the road. Big mistake.
She invited me into her bed for a massage, and she was not wearing any pants or undies. I massaged her, and later she went downstairs to sleep on the couch. When I woke up, I went downstairs, and that’s when it happened.
She told me no repeatedly, but as horrible as it sounds I can honestly say I could not stop myself. I touched her and myself while holding her down. There’s always more to the story of
course.Previously she told me if I wanted her I would have to force myself on her — her words. She also just recently started declining sex with me, and there have been multiple very confusing incidents where she would act like she didn’t want to, then show me her butt or things like that.
I feel like absolute shit for what I have done. I will try to give her as much space as possible, although I hope I can still see my daughter. I think I am writing this partially as a confession, and partially as much as I hate myself for what I have done, I do feel that our whole relationship, in general, led up to this night.
Do women have any responsibility in these situations — messing with mens’ heads and flirting?
How can she be held accountable for her actions with me still taking the blame?
I can honestly say, my big mistake was going over to her place that night — one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don’t ever see this happening with anyone else, because a lot of this had to do with our relationship and how confusing and difficult it has been. She literally told me before to force myself on her.
I’m so confused, and I don’t know if I can live with what I have done and simultaneously wish she would just be with me, although I know it’s best not to and it will never happen now, if there was a chance before. I have a hard time living with this but also don’t feel I deserve any sympathy